It All Started With Axton and His Cookies
by Sunshine Muncher
Summary: Those damn cookies! (I DON'T KNOW!) I was having a random day...
1. Chapter 1

**I just sat down and decided to write something funny that had to do with cookies, now I don't even know what it is...**

**oh and the Apocalypse Pony I should mention is a random horse thing me and a close friend made up a long time ago that we still joke about. the Apocalypse pony is something you might not get, but Apocalypse is the basic part.**

**yes it's random.**

**just know, it all started with Axton, and his pan of cookies...**

The vault hunters sat around in the lounge of the Raiders HQ doing nothing, just nothing.

Brick, Salvador, and Krieg were out destroying a bandit clan, Mordecai was drowning himself in a bottle of rakk ale, Roland was busy in his room getting Gaige to help him with some shield upgrade around Sanctuary, and Axton was nowhere to be seen. The only vault hunters doing nothing but sitting and staring at the ceiling were Maya Zer0 and Lilith.

Eventually, Maya began to smell something, really really good. It was sweet and fresh.

"Hey guys, do you smell something sort of strange?"

Lilith gave Maya a strange look, while Zer0 had an exclamation mark over his helmet. Mordecai sniffed the air, "no, I'm too drowned in this bottle of rakk ale to tell." Maya sighed, "don't worry Zer0, its nothing bad. I just smell really good, food." Lilith sat up, "I smell it too, jeez, it's so familiar, but been so long..."

"I SMELL COOKIES!"

Maya flinched surprised as Gaige came tearing down the stairs. "Where are the cookies!"

Lilith snapped her fingers, "that's it! Cookies! It's been so long since I last had any."

Zer0 was the only one not making a big deal out of the cookies. Gaige turned to him, "wow Zer0, why are you not excited about, COOKIES! Do you know how rare they are on this planet?"

Zer0 spoke quietly, "I don't eat them Gaige."

"Seriously?" Maya asked him, "you don't eat cookies? Why not?"

Zer0 looked away, "it doesn't matter."

Gaige grinned, "aww, how come? Are you scared?"

"It doesn't matter-, you-

I'm not afraid of cookies."

Maya snorted, "oh come on, there's got to be a reason! Everybody loves cookies!"

"I will not tell you."

Lilith smiled sweetly and leaned forward making the assassin uncomfortable. "Aw come on, it'll be alright. Just tell me and I won't tell anybody else." Zer0 stayed silent. "Pweeeese!" Lilith made big soppy eyes and Zer0 sighed, "whatever, I'll tell you all, don't say a word to anyone else, or I'll kill you."

Everyone leaned in curiously, including Mordecai.

"I never had cookies."

Gaige gave him a look, "what? That's seriously all?"

Zer0 shrugged.

"We'll you gotta try cookies!"

"Actually, no you won't, no one is trying anything unless I say." Axton came into the room all of a sudden surprising everyone.

"Gaige rolled her eyes, "where the heck were you? And how did you get those cookies? I demand you tell us!"

Axton sighed, "I made them, and they're cooling off in the kitchen. If you keep your hands out of them though, you guys might get some."

Maya smiled, "aw thanks Axton. Oh and Zer0 definitely has to try cookies, he's never had apparently." Zer0 looked away embarrassed, "Maya, shut up." Axton grinned, "well if you can all contain yourselves, you can have cookies later when I get back."

With that he left.

"Axton can cook?" Lilith asked when he left.

"I dunno, I guess..."

Later in the evening, Maya was still sitting on the couch, this time reading some notes Tannis had about sirens. Gaige had gone back up when Roland called her from the stairs sounding slightly annoyed. Lilith went for a walk, and Zer0 felt like going out to terrorize a bandit clan, claiming to be bored. And Mordecai had fallen into a deep alcohol induced sleep.

Of course.

And for some reason, everbody forgot about the cookies.

"Oh hey guys, how'd killing the bandit clan go?" Maya asked them when Brick, Salvador, and Krieg came into the Raisers HQ lounge.

"WE STRIPPED THE FLESH FROM THE BLOODY HIDE OF THE DEATHLESS SOUL!" Krieg shouted obnoxiously. It wasn't an exact statement of what happened, but the vault hunters had grown to figure out the twisted sentences, which have gotten less confusing with his time with them. But only a little bit.

"Okay...close enough. But yeah it went good, we're going to eat something now." Brick continued. The three men went into the kitchen, were shortly after Maya heard a happy shout of "OH MY GOD!"

Maya rolled her eyes. Stupid idiots, it didn't matter since they didn't sound distressed anyways. Maya turned back to the notes she was reading when she heard echo from the kitchen,

"I WILL DESTROY YOUR PUNY SOUL WITH MY FACE!"

"What the hell is Krieg doing?" Maya muttered sitting up as she heard Salvador and Brick laughing, and constant thudding.

Maya sighed wondering what they were up to now. She set the notes down and got up from the couch. The banging was still going on, and when she went into the kitchen she stopped and blinked twice to make sure she wasn't seeing things.

The three men were shoving Axton's cookies into thier faces, and Krieg was smashing his face on the table roaring and growling. Scattered tiny crums lay all over the spot.

"Uhhh, guys..." Maya began hesitantly. Even though she trusted Krieg and Salvador not to do something stupider when she freaked out at them, she didn't really trust Brick that much. The breserker was the most unpredictable person in Maya's opinion. Which was surprising since Krieg should be the most unpredictable.

They stopped dead silent and slowly looked over at Maya seeing the look on her face getting the feeling they were in shit.

"Umm, you do know that those were Axton's right...?"

"NO!"

"OH MY GOD! WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE COOKIES!" Gaige appeared having heard the commotion in the kitchen from upstairs, "THEY WERE AXTON'S COOKIES AND NOW THEY'RE ALL GONE!"

The three men were silent and Maya was hoping that nothing bad would happen because there were still a dozen left, but then she thought that she must have jinxed it because Krieg came up with a wonderfully stupid idea.

I SMASH ALL YOUR EVIL PUNY HEARTS!

The psycho knocked the cookies flying and stomped the tray and cookies into little bits.

Maya cringed and Gaige slapped her forehead and groaned.

"Hey guys, I'm back. What's with all the-" Axton stopped dead and stared at the mess, the crumbs, and the pulverized tray. "You destroyed my cookies. Didn't you."

Brick and Salvador pointed at each other and Krieg was staring at the pulverized tray breathing heavily. Very heavily.

"You ate them."

Salvador sighed, he thought that Axton's reaction would be much much worse.

"HOW COULD YOU EAT MY GODAMN COOKIES! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS TO GET THE STUPID INGREDIENTS?"

Maya saw Gaige backing slowly out of the doorway. Maya would have done the same, but she was sort of stuck in the kitchen with the commando blocking the doorway.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" YOU EVIL BASTARDS KILLED THEM, Axton fell on his knees sobbing, "YOU KILLED MY FRIENDS! WHY, WHY?"

Maya stared at Axton with wide eyes, he was glaring wildly at the three who ate his cookies.

Maya took the opportunity to get out of the kitchen, fast. She sat on the couch nearby Gaige. "Great, so we now have a cookie obsessed loon in the building. How could it get any worse?"

Suddenly Mordecai burst In screaming, "oh my god! It's the apocalypse pony! It's coming! It coming!"

"What..."

A horse, slash unicorn, slash floating bird reptilian thingy, slash way too many rainbows and rainbow colored skin burst in the door. "Hey y'all! I'm the goddamn apocalypse pony, here to destroy the world!"

"Umm..."

"Here too feast upon your very soulsssssss..."

The apocalypse pony started floating in a circle. A unicorn horn popped out of its head and it eyes started swirling.

Axton was still screaming in the kitchen about cookies, and now he was saying something about licking the floor. Maya glanced at Gaige and saw her floating around the room. "Come on Maya! It's fun! It's free!"

"What the hell is going on here?"

"I don't know, just go with the wave Maya, the cookie wave..." Axton whispered in her ears before flying into the ceiling and disappearing into a wormhole. Cookies spilled out of it along with a really short man dressed in red with a funny looking mustache.

"Imma free! Mario's a free!"

"Wrong video game you jack ass!" Axton shouted from the portal.

"Woops a mama. See you soon! wahoo!" Mario disapeared into the portal.

Maya stared around in panic, what was going on anyways?

"You will never take my soul away from me! You have to get through my monopoly game first! Then I will use Justin Bieber and made a human shield out of of him!"

Gaige digistructed the horrible pop singer from her metal arm, a set of Monopoly also appeared, but it wasnt as horrible as Justin Beiber, and he started rapping,

"If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go  
I can take you places you ain't never been before  
Baby take a chance or you'll never ever know  
I got money in my hands that I'd really like to blow  
Swag swag swag, on you  
Chillin by the fire why we eatin' fondue  
I dunno about me but I know about you  
So say hello to falsetto in three two"

The apocalypse pony started screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO! GOD NO! STOP IT PLEEEEEASE! Whahahahaha!" The pony dissolved. Gaige yelled at the top of her lungs, "and once again I Triumph against the evil!"

Maya covered her ears to block out the horrible singing. The room turned into floating rainbows and confetti rained down all over. Then suddenly they were floating around.

"Oh my god! Justin won't digistruct back! Shit, shit, shit! Now he won't stop singing!"

The portal flashed and Slender man teleported over and grabbed Justin Bieber around the neck with its tentacles. Justin Bieber stopped and desperately sang the Hokey Pokey.

You do the Hockey Pokey and you spin yourself around, DON'T EAT MY NECK OUT!" Then Slender Man sucked Justin Bieber into the worm hole.

They were gone then.

Krieg shouted, "I EAT RAINBOWS FOR SLEEPING TIME AND SNUGGLE PONIES TO DEATH!"

Axton was trying to escape with a jet pack that blew MORE rainbows screaming, "I'm not a pony! I'm not a pony! Take Charlie instead!"  
Axton threw a bored looking white unicorn at Krieg who screamed,

PONYPONYPONYPONY! EAT POKEMON FACES!

Charlie the unicorn's head disintegrated into dust and Pikachu leapt out.

"WRONG DAMN TASTY SCRIPT!

Suddenly the world folded over and over and turned two dimensional. Maya screamed, "oh god what is going on!" Then the writer crumpled up the papers and threw it in the garbage.

Maya woke up gasping. "Wow! I had the strangest dream!"

"Shut up Maya! You were tossing in the bed all night! You can't ever sleep in the top bunk anymore!" Lilith growled.

"So what was the dream?" Gaige asked Maya.

"It all started with Axton and his cookies."

Gaige gave Maya a strange look, "um Maya what kind of activities have you been doing that would cause you to dream about cookies, and god knows what?"

"Uh, I've been killing things? What else?"

Gaige shrugged, "you are a strange person Maya. I don't want to know what you dreamed about. Period."

Gaige flopped face first into her pillow. And Maya couldn't stop thinking about how strange that dream was.

Suddenly Mordecai screamed on the other side ofthe door, "oh god! It's Charlie! Charlie the unicorn! Heeeeeelp!" Maya slapped her forehead and groaned flopping back down hoping that Mordecai was just really, really drunk.

**So yeah... Just whatever you do, don't ask.**

**Because I don't know either.**

**if you liked it, leave a favourite or review. Tell me if I should another chapter, if three or five requests of a second chapter come, I'll probably write another.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's another chapter for this book! I had time on me anyways so I decided to type it up.**

**I just found out that Robot Chicken had an Apocalypse Pony but my friend and I both never knew since we were never really fans of the show and never watched it anyways. **

**so this Apocalypse pony has NOTHING to do with Robot Chicken whatsoever.**

**Oh and I dropped an F bomb once in this chapter just to let you readers know.**

**and don't ask about barfing rainbows. That has no explanation at all.**

Maya went downstairs yawning hugely. Her dream the other night hadn't really let her sleep well, and Mordecai screaming "oh god! It's Charlie the Unicorn!" Had disturbed her. Though Lilith had been pissed off at Mordecai and nothing else seemed out of ordinary on the other hand so it can't have been real. Could it?

Maya's stomach growled as she smelled the really sweet smell of cookies again. Uh oh...

No one was downstairs when she got down except for some banging in the kitchen. Maya sighed and walked in.

Axton was there taking a pan of cookies out of the oven. Maya stopped and stared at the pan eyes wide. She didn't even say good morning to Axton, she pointed at the pan, "umm...you-you made cookies in..."

Axton gave Maya a look, "you look like you've seen a ghost. Oh yeah and I did make cookies by the way, the ingredients were hard to find, they are for some one special."

Maya didn't know what to say, "how long have you been up?"

"All night."

"Um okay, well that's pretty funny because-"

"Oh and don't touch them until I say or a wormhole will open up in the ceiling."

"Because, I had a strange dream last night about...you know what, I'm going to ignore what you said about the wormhole completely."

Axton shrugged and set them down on the table and left the room. Maya stared at the plate of cookies, NoNoNoNoNoNo, please No! The siren repeated this in her head. She had to find out, there were lots of cookies, and Axton wouldn't notice if she took just one.

Tentatively, Maya reached out and touched one. Nothing happened. She picked it up and felt the warmth beneath her fingers. It smelled soo good. Maya shoved it in her mouth and swallowed it, (not whole, she chewed it.)

Nothing happened. Maya sighed then grew angry, "SCREW YOU AXTON!" She shouted into the lounge.

"What?! What did I do?!

"NOTHING!"

Maya gazed at the tray, those were damn good, but she wouldn't have anymore. and because Maya was terrified that she was still dreaming, or that her dream would come true.

"Hey what's with all the yelling? Can't a guy get a wink of sleep around here?" Mordecai came into the kitchen looking like crap. Maya took this as a perfect opportunity to ask Mordecai, "hey so Mordecai, why were you screaming about Charlie the Unicorn last night?"

Mordecai thought to last night and laughed, "aw man now I remember, I was getting really drunk with Zer0 and we watched funny YouTube videos about this unicorn called Charlie that gets bugged by some creepy unicorns to go on an adventure. After that, it got sorta, strange. I don't remember much else after we-where're those cookies from?"

"Maya shuddered, which Mordecai didn't notice, "Axton made them, don't eat them or he'll kill you." Mordecai shrugged, "that's fine by me." He went and opened the fridge looking in it for awhile before apparently deciding to not eat and closed it. The hunter left the room.

Maya opened the fridge and rifled through the selection glancing behind her at the cookies. She didn't really trust them. She really didn't. In the end, Maya didn't feel like eating. So she made herself a cup of coffee. Not the greatest on an empty stomach, but suitable.

Maya walked into the lounge and sat in a chair.

"I SMELL COOKIES!" Maya jumped at Gaige yelling from the top of the stairs. Maya shook her head, this sounded too much like her dream. Axton called up the stairs, "don't even think of taking them!"

Gaige shrugged, "oh, okay then, I won't take any."

Axton gazed at Maya looking concerned, "um, Maya? You don't look too well." Maya snorted trying to hide it, "I'm fine Axton, I just didn't sleep well last night."

"Gaige you idiot, SHUT UP!" Lilith yelled from the top of the stairs. Lilith then stomped back to the bedroom and slammed the door shut. Gaige rolled her eyes, "geez, who shit in her corn flakes today?"

"Gaige, you woke me up, why?" Zer0 came down the stairs a frowny face on his mask.

"Cookies." Gaige replied innocently making her eyes big.

Zer0 shook his head then walked into the kitchen not really believing the mechromancer. But then he saw them lying on the pan. "Gaige you were right, who made cookies? They smell good."

"Axton did. Though if you touch them he'll kill you."

"Yeah, and a wormhole will open up in the ceiling." Axton added on. Maya glared at him and almost blurted out that he was an absolute liar, but she shut her mouth quickly so Axton wouldn't freak at her for taking one.

Zer0 flashed Axton a question mark over his helmet, "cookies that trigger, wormholes Axton you liar, that's not possible." The assassin stated bluntly. Axton glared at Zer0, "I am so not lying! They so do create wormholes!"

Mordecai beneath his goggles raised his eyebrows at Axton, "yeah, and pink flying hippos exist too, as if!"

Axton was getting flustered now. "I'm telling you my cookies create worm holes!"

Gaige smirked, "then prove it, go and show us."

Axton of course being the idiot he is, ran into the kitchen steaming, grabbed a cookie and stomped into the living room. "Here! I'll show you and prove that they do!" Axton bit the cookie and ate the rest. He stood there nothing happened, except for Mordecai farting.

"Hah!" Gaige jumped off her chair, "I knew it! You can't create wormholes with-oh god Mordecai! You need to really-"

A bright light stopped cut the mechromancer off and the vault hunters gazed with horror as a portal opened up in the ceiling. "Axton you idiot!"

Roland came down looking sleepy. "What's with all the-" The soldier looked up and saw the portal in the ceiling. "Umm, what did you guys do?" Roland blinked twice to make sure he wasn't seeing things. "Uh you created a portal in the ceiling...?"

Gaige shouted, "it was Axton!" And pointed at him.

Maya was confused, first of all, more of her dream was coming true, and when she ate a cookie, nothing happened.

Mordecai sighed and got up, "you know what, I'm out of here." The hunter left the room and shut the door, probably going to Moxxis again.

Axton laughed nervously as the portal flashed.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!" Lilith screeched from the top of the stairs. She then came to a dead stop and rubbed her eyes, "Holy skag, what the hell did you idiots do?"

Gaige, Maya and Zer0 all pointed at Axton. "Axton ate a cookie of his and created a worm hole in the ceiling." Maya stated simply. Lilith shook her head and banged it against the wall.

"Nice job Axton, really nice job."

"Thanks Lilith!"

"That was sarcasm you loon!"

"Oh. Wait "loon?' Have you been watching Monty Python again?"

"Yes, in fact I-"

The portal flashed distracting Lilith and suddenly and a horse slash unicorn slash reptilian thing flew out with a stupid dressed looking kid on its back singing annoying music.

Maya screamed, "Holy shit! It the Apocalypse Pony!"

Gaige looked at the kid and muttered, "oh god, that had better not be who I think it is..."

Zer0 stood there with three red dots over his visor.

Lilith and Roland exchanged bewildered glances.

And Axton started puking rainbows.

"Hey everybody," the kid started, "I'm gonna sing you a song about a wonderful person in this room." The kid gazed at Gaige who almost puked with Axton, in fact he was still puking rainbows.

"Baby, baby, baby oh!  
Baby, baby, baby oh!  
Blah, blah, blah..."

Gaige screamed at him, "stop hitting on me you freak! I'll summon Death Trap!" Unfortunately the kid wouldn't stop. Everyone was getting a headache and Gaige was about to summon DT when Zer0 suddenly appeared and grabbed the kid by his collar.

"BABYBABYBABYBABYAAHHHH!"

Zer0 threw the kid into the portal again.

"Idiot."

Gaige sighed, "thanks Zer0, I thought I'd have to put up with Justin Beiber like for a long time."

"Don't apologize, I can't stand Justin Bieber, little freakish kid."

The Apocalypse Pony shrieked, "OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KILLED HIM!"

The thing sprouted rainbow tentacles and charged Zer0. The assassin waited then leapt out of the way at the last moment before leaping out the door and carrying the fight into Sanctuary. By now, there were rainbows all over the floor from Axton puking and Lilith marched over and glared at the commando, he looked up and saw the angry siren, then decided to stop puking rainbows.

There was screaming and fire all over Sanctuary and the portal was still there. The vault hunters just thought that would be the end of the madness when a Pikachu fell out of the portal and hit the ground.

Everyone stared at it, then Gaige shrieked, "it's a Pikachu!"

Axton shot it.

"Awwww! Why'd you do that?" Gaige whined.

Axton shrugged, "I just felt like it."

Gaige picked it up, "this will look good with my collection stuffed."

Suddenly another kid in a red hat dropped into the room. He held out a pokeball, "put Pikachu down or I'll hurt you badly!"

Gaige swung her metal arm and knocked the pokeball out of the kids hands, "not today! This Pikachu is mine! I need it to complete my stuff!"

"Go blastoise go-"

Gaige crushed the pokeball and threw it on the ground. "Oops." She said sarcastically.

The kid hung his head and leapt back into the portal.

"Well, that was random. But I have finished my collection of Pokemon!"

Everyone watched as Gaige tore up the stairs and slammed the door to her workroom shut. Maya sighed, "how are we going to get rid of that wormhole?Things are just getting worse-"

Zer0 came tearing through the door with the Apocalypse pony at his heels. Zer0 suddenly just leapt into the portal and disapeared. The creature followed suit. Maya, Axton, Roland, and Lilith peered into the portal and saw everywhere rainbows floating around, in fact it was a complete different dimension, everything was made of rainbows.

The vault hunters saw several explosions going off and then Zer0 fell back through landing ontop of Axton's head.

The portal closed.

"We'll that was anti climactic." Lilith stated dully.

Axton groaned, though it was muffled because Zer0 was laying on his head. "Zer0, pleasf gef off. I can't breavfe."

The assassin got up, "sorry Axton."

"Hey slabs!" Brick greeted cheerfully having just woken up, "what's up?"

"Heheh...funny story...funny story..." Axton began scratching the back of his head nervously.


End file.
